A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
