This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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