I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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