That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
