he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
