Don't make out with my wife yet
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
