I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
