I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
