you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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