come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
