phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't want my vagina anymore.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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