I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
