My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
