Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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