Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
