Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
