Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
