Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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