Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
