The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
