i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
