Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
