I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
