Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
