god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
