Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
