We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
