You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
