i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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