So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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