Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Alive.
So much puke
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
