I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
