and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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