lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
