i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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