Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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