Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
