I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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