Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Less talking, more tequila
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
