You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I touched a dick in church today
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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