I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
