i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
