In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
