Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How naked do you want me to be?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
