all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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