she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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