Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
