i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
