My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
