Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
