So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
